I keep seeing him everywhere and I’m trying so hard not to make it into something bigger than what it is. I know how I am. I know I overthink. I know I start looking for meaning in things because part of me still feels attached to him no matter how much I try to convince myself I’m not. But it’s hard not to question it when it keeps happening. Different days. Different places. Different times. And every single time I see him it does something to me internally that I’m honestly getting tired of feeling.

I don’t wanna feel connected to him anymore.

It’s exhausting.

I’m tired of my mind immediately going into this weird place of wondering if we’re unfinished or if there’s still something there. Because realistically, if there was, he would’ve done something about it already. He had every opportunity to make this into more than what it was. He knew exactly how I felt. I wasn’t hard to read. I wasn’t confusing. He knew I cared about him deeply and he still kept us exactly where we were comfortable for him.

It’s FINALLY hitting me now.

He didn’t “not know.”
He didn’t “not realize.”
He didn’t “not understand.”

He just didn’t want it.

I spent so much time trying to soften that truth because it hurt my feelings. It felt easier to tell myself maybe he was scared, maybe timing was bad, maybe he just wasn’t ready yet. But somebody that genuinely wants you does not continuously leave you sitting in uncertainty for over a year. They don’t keep you in this halfway space where you’re emotionally invested while they stay emotionally protected.

And now, I’m just tired of it!

Tired of loving him.
Tired of thinking about him.
Tired of feeling something every single time I see his car or hear his name or pass somewhere connected to him. Tired of feeling like there’s still this invisible attachment between us that I can’t fully cut off no matter how badly I want to.

Because FUCK, I really want to!!!

I want to move on. I want to stop wondering what could’ve existed between us if he had just allowed it to. That is what has held me hostage for so long. The “what if.” The potential. The feeling between us. The fact that it always felt like there was something sitting underneath everything we were doing. But feelings alone don’t build anything. Chemistry doesn’t build anything. History doesn’t build anything.

So maybe seeing him constantly isn’t some sign that we belong together. Maybe it’s the complete opposite. Maybe life keeps putting him in front of me because I still haven’t accepted what this actually was. Maybe this is my final lesson in letting go. Maybe this is what finally forces me to stop romanticizing someone who was okay living in the grey area with me forever.

Because I just don’t want to do it anymore….

I am emotionally exhausted. I cant handle anymore crying…. I honestly feel like he’s the last piece of love I had left in me. Like fully letting him go means letting go of the version of me that kept loving through confusion, inconsistency, and unanswered feelings. I already feel the change in me though. I can already feel myself becoming more distant from the idea of love altogether. More guarded. More closed off. It’s like something in me is slowly shutting the door and I don’t even know if I care enough to force it back open anymore. I can feel myself pulling away emotionally from people before they even get close to me. I can feel myself avoiding attachment before it even has the chance to grow into something deeper. And maybe that sounds sad, but honestly, it feels more peaceful than what I was putting myself through before.

Because my heart and my mind are finally on the same page.

For the longest time my heart kept fighting for things my mind already knew weren’t meant for me. My emotions kept trying to hold onto people my logic was already exhausted from understanding. And now it’s different. Now my mind isn’t losing to my feelings anymore. They’re aligned. They both see the situation for what it is. They both understand that if somebody truly wanted me in the way I wanted them, I wouldn’t have spent so much time questioning where I stood in their life.