I used to move through life like I didn’t really need permission from anyone. I trusted myself. If something felt off, I left it. If something felt right, I went toward it. I didn’t sit there overthinking every reaction or trying to predict how I’d be perceived. I just acted. I just lived.

I didn’t even really have words for it back then. I just moved through it without questioning anything.

Then life slowly started shaping me into something more careful.

Marriage, responsibility, being considerate of someone else’s feelings all the time; it didn’t happen overnight. It was gradual. I started pausing more. Thinking more. Editing myself before I even finished a thought out loud.

At first it felt like growth. Like I was becoming more mature, more understanding, more “easy” to be around.

But over time, I started noticing I wasn’t really saying things fully anymore. I would soften my words. Hold things back. Change how I reacted so it wouldn’t create tension. I started choosing peace over honesty, even when it meant swallowing parts of myself.

That’s when I started realizing I wasn’t just adapting… I was slowly losing pieces of myself.

Not all at once. Just little things. My opinions got quieter. My instincts got delayed. My reactions got smaller. I got used to putting myself second without even questioning it. I didn’t even notice it happening while I was in it.

If you would’ve met me five years ago, you wouldn’t have met someone in the process of becoming lost, you would’ve met someone who was already lost in herself.

I was in my marriage, constantly worried about him cheating, constantly trying to manage the household, constantly trying to keep everyone around me happy like it was my job to hold everything together. On the outside I was functioning, but inside I was slowly deteriorating. Quietly. Consistently. Like I was disappearing in real time and still expected to show up like nothing was wrong.

I let myself go in ways I didn’t fully admit out loud back then. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I stopped checking in with myself first. I stopped trusting my own instincts the way I used to. Everything started revolving around keeping peace, keeping stability, keeping things from falling apart, even when I was the one falling apart

Since then, I’ve been through different experiences; relationships, friendships, situations that really showed me how I show up when I care about people. How I stay too long. How I overgive. How I start adjusting myself just to keep a connection alive.

Now I see it more clearly

Before, I stayed quiet instead of speaking up.
Before, I ignored my gut feeling just to keep things calm.
Before, I made myself smaller just so things wouldn’t fall apart.

That’s definitely not someone I want to go back to. And I have been finding my way back to myself.

Not the same version as before, just a more aware one. A version that notices things quicker, that doesn’t ignore her own feelings just to keep everything smooth, that’s starting to choose herself a little more even when it feels uncomfortable.